Milano

Resurrection

2006-06-01T19:42:00.000-04:00

I'm resurrecting my dead blog experiment as time allows.

My ears! Sue Apple!

2006-03-31T14:36:00.000-05:00

The Wall Street Journal Tech News Briefing brought up the fact that the new iPod updater has institutes a volume control function that allows users to set the maximum volume on the iPod. Apparently this is a result of a class-action lawsuit (aren't they the best kind?) against Apple for selling a product to willing consumers that has a volume control that has the possibility of being turned up to uncomfortable levels. Says Dr. Mark Levine, ear nose and throat specialist: "There's not that self-motivated potential to turn [the iPod] down, because as loud as you make it the sounds are still sounding excellent."

Looking past the semantic garble, it's easy to see that he wants to punish the company for making a good product. Because the sound retains quality when it's being turned up, it fails to "motivate" people to turn it back down. Hm. . . I'm going to beat myself senseless by smashing my head with a hammer. Black & Decker fails to motivate me to not smash my head with a hammer properly.

Shut Up About Seinfeld!

2006-02-13T12:52:00.000-05:00

For the love of God! Shut up about Seinfeld!
I think that I have exhibited great patience with humanity in regards to that damn show. But when I see the next person who mentions that the way I stubbed my toe on my way to the water fountain reminds them of George stubbing his toe in episode B27-F14A, I’m going to skin them alive and bleed them dry.

Dark tales circulate in hushed whispers of a time, pre-Seinfeld, when mediocrity was not enough to incite raving fits of uproarious laughter in deranged motomorons. What was funny before the despotic kitchen owner refused Jerry’s order for soup? Nothing. The world was a dismal abyss of loathing and despair. Ask anyone. They’ll tell you. For how can the comic genius of Rodney Dangerfield and Lenny Bruce compare to the outrageous behavior of people who eat candy bars with knives and forks?
Reason and logic have failed. Pleading for an end to the horror has not worked. So today I make a bigger commitment. My New Year’s resolution (albeit a couple months late) is this: every time somebody mentions George or Kramer or Jerry or Elaine walking down the street in a hilarious fashion, or answering the phone in a bizarre way, I will disembowel them with a sprig of onion and feast upon the succulent contents of their cranium. Right there on the street. That way I can enjoy squeezing Seinfeld’s remaining vestiges from my bowels later that night. The next time somebody turns on a rerun of Seinfeld, I will shatter the television over their head and thrash them in such a way that they will be able to fit into a blender.
So please kids; let it die. Because every time you recite another tired Seinfeld joke, Satan devours another infant.

Zombie Riot Cartoons

2006-02-12T20:23:00.000-05:00

I spent all day studying for a math test that I have tomorrow, and I'm not even done. Integration is a bitch.
Anyway, I changed the comments around so that they should appear on the main page instead of that annoying web page. I also changed the title graphic. I figured I'd point out these obvious changes in case you are blind or severely stupid.

For the last couple of weeks I've sat back and watched the world go utterly insane. Apparently twelve cartoons are enough to incite riots and the destruction of bastions of democracy all across the world. It's pretty amazing how much power these simple cartoons have over the Muslim population of the world. In response I drew a cartoon of me hitting a zombie with a fire axe. Hopefully, this cartoon will either directly cause the unmitigated zombification of the modern world, or incite the pro-zombie factions world over to revolt and destroy civilization. There's really no good reason to decimate the planet, I'm just bored.

Your Escorts to Hell

2006-02-12T00:31:00.000-05:00

I figure I'd start my first post with my first attempt at artwork in years. It's a sketch of the Hell Guardians the Reel Splatter's aborted zombie movie Gut Rot Pie! The actual sketch looks much better, I swear.

If you're reading my blog, I assume that you have already seen Reel Splatter Productions and all of their awesome movies. If not, go check it out already!

It lives!

2006-02-11T23:15:00.000-05:00

My blog is now operational! Visit often for impassioned rants about random things, reviews of books and movies, and much more. If you don't know who I am, check out the "About Me" page, that's what it's for.